Dear Lord,
His name is Milo. I sent him to you today. He was 17 years old on August 4th. I was hoping we'd have more time together.
He died today. He had a large menangioma, a brain tumor that was slowing killing all his neurological functioning.
He didn't really know who he was, or what was going on, anymore. But he seemed to know us. He smiled when we'd cuddle him for hours, sitting in the chair or couch, watching TV. He loved being touched, and was soft and warm very, very beautiful.
He'd forgotten how to eat. That's okay, I fed him with an eyedropper. I was happy to do it. He deserved that kind of treatment for the years of loyal and unconditional love he had given me.
He'd forgotten how to use the bathroom, too. I let him 'go' wherever he wanted and just cleaned it up when he was done. It was okay. He deserved that much from me.
He would never tell us if he was in pain, but the blindness in his left eye and the weakness in his left legs made us wonder.
He loved canned milk. Please see he gets lots of it. And chicken, too - please find him some of that. And butternut squash. That was his favorite of all favorites.
He died like a champ. Cradled in my arms, he just stared up at me with the most beautiful blue-green eyes in the world. When the needle went into his portacath and the doctor said it would take ten seconds, he never flinched or moved as the drug went in and did its work. He just stared up at me as I bawled hysterically with his usual curious expression.
Then the most amazing thing happened...his looks totally changed. His hair flattened out really smooth, darkening the top of his head and flattening the tufts on each side of his face until he looked just like his brother. He was absolutely gorgeous. And courageous. And classy, to the end.
I will miss his little quirks, his kneading of my fat arm flesh, the way he used to crawl up on my right shoulder and fall asleep, and especially, his purr. He was a purr machine. It was loud and warm and joyous. You could hear him from across the room.
I will miss him climbing on my bed every night and sleeping on top of my head.
I will miss the way he and his brother had 'kitty battles' for possession of the brown chair or the prime spot on the dining room couch.
I will always love him, and never forget him. Cats leave footprints on your heart.
So please, Lord, take good care of my baby. Make sure that he joins my other parted loves - Heidi, Casey, Beth - and make sure they take good care of him until I can get to meet up with him again in later years.
I know, intellectually, that I did the right thing for him. So why do I feel so guilty? He trusted me, all of his life.
Did I let him down?
Please, Lord, let him hear me singing my last song to him whenver he gets lonely. Let him know that there isn't one day that goes by, for the rest of my life, that I won't think of him. Let him know that his was the best male relationship I ever had. He was always home, always loving, and never once took my agenda.
If you have time, please cradle him in Your arms once a day, and let him purr to you.
You'll enjoy it. Milo was Love, personifed.
So I give Milo into your loving hands. This is my kitty, in whom I am well-pleased.
Thank you, Lord. Amen
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Where did 2008 Go?
Hullo, dear ones!
I know, bless me, family, for I have sinned. It has been ten months since my last post...
...and I'm contrite.
It has been a busy year, and an absolutely NUTSO summer.
A way-long story, and I'm going to spare you the details. 2008 has seen the following:
1. Ushering in the New Year at Precious' home in MD. I was there for Christmas. She called and said "Hey, we haven't had Christmas together in 30 years. If you want to spend one with The Rents, you'd best come, because I have a feeling that you won't get another chance!" So I left L&M in the capable care of his family and my sons, and took off for 17 days. I'm glad I did. The day before I left for Maryland, Precious called me to say that her little four-month-old grandson's babysitter was coming down the stairs in socks, while carrying the baby, and she fell down the whole flight of stairs, landing on his left leg. (He had a badly fractured femur and spent six weeks in a Spica cast.)
2. Big Red and Sweetie got engaged in January. BG and Lady started to plan their wedding after settling in their beautiful brand new home. Wedding date is set for New Year's Eve, this year, and will be a smashing, beautiful (and expensive!) gala event.
3. L&M continued with his medical workups. The aneurysm is stable. The mental decline continues, slowly.
4. L&M was placed on SSDI, throwing him into a final depressed state that took several months to adjust to. As I've said, the man defined himself by his work. Being placed on SSDI was helpful, and miraculous on the first try, but brought home to him that he cannot work any longer. He knew it, of course. But it's one thing to know something in your heart, and another to have the goverment say "Fuggedabout it. You're too broken to ever work again" and realize that every day that you're living, one day at a time, is the best you're ever going to get.
5. The grandkids turned 12, 10, 9, and 5 (soon to be 6!) and the 'baby' starts kindergarten next week. Man, where did THAT go???
6. We found out that we are having another grandchild! L&M's son and his lady are having a baby boy, due in November, but by all reports will probably be born early. We're very excited, but our excitement is tempered by the fact that our new baby will be living 2400 miles away, in Colorado, and we will see him only in limited times of exposure during visits.
7. L&M and I went to MD for Big Red's Sweetie's bridal shower. Precious and I made the cake. My first foray into marzipan calla lillies...Precious' first foray into the Wilton decorating tubes. It came out so pretty. And was totally delicious. Precious is one helluva cook! (If you ever do something like this - go to the local JoAnn's or Michael's and pick up the Wilton packaged buttercream frosting. Best buttercream I've ever tasted!)
8. Precious and I started making Sweetie's bridal gown. It's an original design - she told me what she wanted, I designed it, drew up the pattern, and fit it. To date, Precious and I have sewn on about 3,000 Swarovski crystals and pearls, and beaded about twenty lace appliques. It's a work of art.
9. Motherdear's mother dear spent the year having TIAs (mini-strokes) weekly. On June 30th (Precious' last officeal day at work, having taken an early retirement buyout from her high-pressure job of 20 years), MD's md went into congestive heart failure (CHF) and almost died. Long story short (I say that a lot but it never seems to work out that way, does it?) - she ended up being diagnosed with an MI (heart attack), the silent variety. Her second in two weeks. She ended up with quadruple bypass surgery on July 7th. Precious and I were beading appliques during the surgery (kept us off the streets and out of the pool halls!) MD's md rehabbed in a nursing home. I was there before the surgery and after, for 17 days. MD's daddy is starting to look very much like roadkill. He stayed with her in the hospital from June 30th to the night of her surgery. He's 82. He has a tissuepaper heart himself. And he is a totally devoted husband. (Which is admirable, but leaves Precious and I with TWO parents to worry about because he wasn't taking care of himself and certainly wasn't listening to any of us! The man's gonna do what the man's gonna do.)
10. BG and Lady provided me with a new 'granddaughter' - a six week old beagle puppy, on Mom's Day. I, of course, fell instantly in love with her and the feeling is mutual. And she loves her grandpa, too. She's a stubborn little shit sometimes, but absolutely gorgeous and the most fun you can have without a case of "C" batteries in the house! She comes over to stay with us sometimes, and I miss her like an amputated limb when she goes home with her mommy and daddy!
11. After BG and Lady took a cruise to Alaska in August (right after I came home from md's surgery) and we got to have my four-legged bundle-of-energy 'granddaughter' for a week. L&M and I then went back to Maryland to be with The Rents so Precious could take her first vacation in ten years. She had planned it in April and wasn't going to go due to md's health, but I forced her to do so. First, she'd have lost a ton of money (they rented a four-bedroom beach house, and all four of their combined children came for the week, plus the wives/girlfriends and Precious' baby grandson, now a year old). While they were there, the baby started walking! Precious was so proud...and so happy he decided to do it on their vacation! But second, and more important than the money issue - the girl was exhausted and needed to get away. L&M and I were more than happy to stay with The Rents so she could have this quiet time with her family. She'd been running non-stop since June 30th.
12. L&M and I hung out for a few days after their return from the vacation. It was supposed to be Precious' summer off (the first in 30 years), but more drama ensured with MD's md. Again, long story short - she went back into CHF and spent several days in the hospital. She's seen a lot of doctors (neurologist, nephrologist, cardiologist) and the upshot is this:
My mom is dying. She probably has three to six months to live. And she is ready for it. She's tired, and needs for it to end. Naturally, MD's dear dad is having a very hard time with this. He's spent 60 years of his life with one person.
13. While we were gone, Sir Milo Pisskitty decided he was going to star in his own drama...he has either a brain tumor, or a blood clot in his brain. We're spending lots of time cuddling the little bugger. I only half-joke that he's been with me longer than any of my husbands (17 years!)...and I know what the inevitable will bring. Luckily, we do not have to put our pets through the same kind of torture that we put our loved ones through when it's 'their time'. I just don't want to let go, you know??? As long as he still recognizes me and can eat something, I'm going to pull for the little guy. I have to feed him water with a syringe, but his daddy (L&M) holds him and kisses the top of his head, and he doesn't seem to mind. I just hope I don't hold on to him too long. It's hard to tell with cats when they're in pain. They're so stoic. I'm just praying that he goes in his sleep, sweetly and gently, in the arms of an angel.
And I wish that for my mom, too.
And truth be told, I wish that for us all.
I know, bless me, family, for I have sinned. It has been ten months since my last post...
...and I'm contrite.
It has been a busy year, and an absolutely NUTSO summer.
A way-long story, and I'm going to spare you the details. 2008 has seen the following:
1. Ushering in the New Year at Precious' home in MD. I was there for Christmas. She called and said "Hey, we haven't had Christmas together in 30 years. If you want to spend one with The Rents, you'd best come, because I have a feeling that you won't get another chance!" So I left L&M in the capable care of his family and my sons, and took off for 17 days. I'm glad I did. The day before I left for Maryland, Precious called me to say that her little four-month-old grandson's babysitter was coming down the stairs in socks, while carrying the baby, and she fell down the whole flight of stairs, landing on his left leg. (He had a badly fractured femur and spent six weeks in a Spica cast.)
2. Big Red and Sweetie got engaged in January. BG and Lady started to plan their wedding after settling in their beautiful brand new home. Wedding date is set for New Year's Eve, this year, and will be a smashing, beautiful (and expensive!) gala event.
3. L&M continued with his medical workups. The aneurysm is stable. The mental decline continues, slowly.
4. L&M was placed on SSDI, throwing him into a final depressed state that took several months to adjust to. As I've said, the man defined himself by his work. Being placed on SSDI was helpful, and miraculous on the first try, but brought home to him that he cannot work any longer. He knew it, of course. But it's one thing to know something in your heart, and another to have the goverment say "Fuggedabout it. You're too broken to ever work again" and realize that every day that you're living, one day at a time, is the best you're ever going to get.
5. The grandkids turned 12, 10, 9, and 5 (soon to be 6!) and the 'baby' starts kindergarten next week. Man, where did THAT go???
6. We found out that we are having another grandchild! L&M's son and his lady are having a baby boy, due in November, but by all reports will probably be born early. We're very excited, but our excitement is tempered by the fact that our new baby will be living 2400 miles away, in Colorado, and we will see him only in limited times of exposure during visits.
7. L&M and I went to MD for Big Red's Sweetie's bridal shower. Precious and I made the cake. My first foray into marzipan calla lillies...Precious' first foray into the Wilton decorating tubes. It came out so pretty. And was totally delicious. Precious is one helluva cook! (If you ever do something like this - go to the local JoAnn's or Michael's and pick up the Wilton packaged buttercream frosting. Best buttercream I've ever tasted!)
8. Precious and I started making Sweetie's bridal gown. It's an original design - she told me what she wanted, I designed it, drew up the pattern, and fit it. To date, Precious and I have sewn on about 3,000 Swarovski crystals and pearls, and beaded about twenty lace appliques. It's a work of art.
9. Motherdear's mother dear spent the year having TIAs (mini-strokes) weekly. On June 30th (Precious' last officeal day at work, having taken an early retirement buyout from her high-pressure job of 20 years), MD's md went into congestive heart failure (CHF) and almost died. Long story short (I say that a lot but it never seems to work out that way, does it?) - she ended up being diagnosed with an MI (heart attack), the silent variety. Her second in two weeks. She ended up with quadruple bypass surgery on July 7th. Precious and I were beading appliques during the surgery (kept us off the streets and out of the pool halls!) MD's md rehabbed in a nursing home. I was there before the surgery and after, for 17 days. MD's daddy is starting to look very much like roadkill. He stayed with her in the hospital from June 30th to the night of her surgery. He's 82. He has a tissuepaper heart himself. And he is a totally devoted husband. (Which is admirable, but leaves Precious and I with TWO parents to worry about because he wasn't taking care of himself and certainly wasn't listening to any of us! The man's gonna do what the man's gonna do.)
10. BG and Lady provided me with a new 'granddaughter' - a six week old beagle puppy, on Mom's Day. I, of course, fell instantly in love with her and the feeling is mutual. And she loves her grandpa, too. She's a stubborn little shit sometimes, but absolutely gorgeous and the most fun you can have without a case of "C" batteries in the house! She comes over to stay with us sometimes, and I miss her like an amputated limb when she goes home with her mommy and daddy!
11. After BG and Lady took a cruise to Alaska in August (right after I came home from md's surgery) and we got to have my four-legged bundle-of-energy 'granddaughter' for a week. L&M and I then went back to Maryland to be with The Rents so Precious could take her first vacation in ten years. She had planned it in April and wasn't going to go due to md's health, but I forced her to do so. First, she'd have lost a ton of money (they rented a four-bedroom beach house, and all four of their combined children came for the week, plus the wives/girlfriends and Precious' baby grandson, now a year old). While they were there, the baby started walking! Precious was so proud...and so happy he decided to do it on their vacation! But second, and more important than the money issue - the girl was exhausted and needed to get away. L&M and I were more than happy to stay with The Rents so she could have this quiet time with her family. She'd been running non-stop since June 30th.
12. L&M and I hung out for a few days after their return from the vacation. It was supposed to be Precious' summer off (the first in 30 years), but more drama ensured with MD's md. Again, long story short - she went back into CHF and spent several days in the hospital. She's seen a lot of doctors (neurologist, nephrologist, cardiologist) and the upshot is this:
My mom is dying. She probably has three to six months to live. And she is ready for it. She's tired, and needs for it to end. Naturally, MD's dear dad is having a very hard time with this. He's spent 60 years of his life with one person.
13. While we were gone, Sir Milo Pisskitty decided he was going to star in his own drama...he has either a brain tumor, or a blood clot in his brain. We're spending lots of time cuddling the little bugger. I only half-joke that he's been with me longer than any of my husbands (17 years!)...and I know what the inevitable will bring. Luckily, we do not have to put our pets through the same kind of torture that we put our loved ones through when it's 'their time'. I just don't want to let go, you know??? As long as he still recognizes me and can eat something, I'm going to pull for the little guy. I have to feed him water with a syringe, but his daddy (L&M) holds him and kisses the top of his head, and he doesn't seem to mind. I just hope I don't hold on to him too long. It's hard to tell with cats when they're in pain. They're so stoic. I'm just praying that he goes in his sleep, sweetly and gently, in the arms of an angel.
And I wish that for my mom, too.
And truth be told, I wish that for us all.
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